Blondie – Parallel Lines

A CD of Blondie’s classic 70’s album Parallel Lines is being given away with a Sunday Newspaper next weekend – Woohoo Great stuff! Tracks on the album are:

*Heart of Glass

*Sunday Girl

*Hanging on the Telephone

*One Way or Another

*Picture This

*Will Anything happen

*Pretty Baby

*I Know But I Don’t Know

*11:59

*I’m gonna love you Too

*Just Go Away

*Fade Away and Radiate

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Spiderman 3

Recently I watched Spiderman 3 on DVD, in which Spiderman/ Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire)is hailed a hero after saving New York from Dr Octopus. However he is still having trouble with his girlfriend Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst), and to make matters worse, his former friend Harry Osbourne blames him for the death of his father Norman A.K.A The Green Goblin (Willem Dafoe), and is determined to clobber him.
 
 

 

Meanwhile an escaped convict named Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church) finds himself caught up in a sinister experiment whilst on the run from the Police and ends up developing some rather interesting powers as a result, which he then puts to good use running amok in the city.

As if this weren’t bad enough Peter then finds himself being taken over by a sinister alien life form and starts to behave very oddly indeed, until events are brought to a head by a foolish act and the alien is dealt with, only to find another host with a grievance against Spiderman and the chance to create even more carnage.

I think this film is Over-plotted and quite complicated, it is as if they threw every element at this film in order to make it entertaining, with loads of explosions, chases and exciting bits, that said I still enjoyed it, especially the cameo from Stan Lee – The creator of Spiderman. It’s not as good as Dark Night or Watchmen, but it’s still pretty exciting.

Jokes

Sperm Doner

An  80-year-old man was requested by  his  Doctor  for a sperm count as part of his  physical exam.

The  doctor gave the man a jar and said,  ‘Take this  jar home and bring back a semen  sample tomorrow.’  

The next day the 80-year-old man  reappeared at  the doctor’s office and gave him the  jar,which  was as clean and empty as on the   previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened  and the man explained,  ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I  tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I  tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  

‘Then I asked my wife for help.   She tried with her  right hand, then with her left, still nothing.   She  tried with her mouth, first with the teeth  in,then  with her teeth out, still nothing.  

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady  next door and  she tried too, first with both hands, then  an armpit,  and she even tried squeezin’ it  between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked!
‘You asked your neighbour?’   
 
The  old man replied,
‘Yep,  none of us could get the damn jar open.’
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Three Women in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE  SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.  SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN  PRESSED HER FOREARM  AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER  QUESTIONINGLY.  ‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP  UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
 
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG  WOMAN LIFTED HER  PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,  ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE  PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT  DONE, SHE DECIDED  SHE  HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED  OUT OF THE SAUNA  AND  WENT TO THE BATHROOM.  SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM  HER REAR END.  THE  OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE  OLDER WOMAN FINALLY  SAID ………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT… I’M  GETTING A FAX!!
                      
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Smart Alec senior

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As of yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “Must be doing well… only two left.”

’twas a dark & stormy night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe…as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard.

 Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control  the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a  tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious,  with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the  road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads  towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob  immediately blurts,

“Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a  terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I  please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied  the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in.

An  older man comes down the stairs.

“I’m  afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried.
“Things are serious, Igor. Prepare  a transfusion.”
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the  house.

Meanwhile,  Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.

 Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master!…..The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Marriage Humour

Wife:          ‘What are you doing?’  
 
Husband:       Nothing.
 
Wife:          Nothing…?  You’ve been reading ourmarriage certificate for an hour.’
 
Husband:       ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’  
 
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Wife :       ‘Do you want dinner?’  
 
Husband:       ‘Sure! What are my choices?’  
 
Wife:          ‘Yes or no.’

Stress Reliever

Girl:       ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’  
 
Boy:       ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’  
 
Girl:       ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
 
——————————
 
Son:    ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,          he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’  
 
Mom:    ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’  
 
Son:    ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied

‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on thehead with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’