WORDS OF WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’
– Infantry Journal-
——————————————————————————–

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’
– US.Air Force Manual –
——————————————————————————–

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’
– General MacArthur –

——————————————————————————–

‘You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’
– Infantry Sgt.-

——————————————————————————–

‘Tracers work both ways.’
– Army Ordnance Manual-

——————————————————————————–

‘Five second fuses last about three seconds.’
– Infantry Journal –

——————————————————————————–

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

——————————————————————————–

‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.’
– Naval Ops Manual –

——————————————————————————–

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’
– Unknown Infantry Recruit-

——————————————————————————–

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.’
– Infantry Journal-

——————————————————————————–

‘Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’
– Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

——————————————————————————–

‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

——————————————————————————–

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’
-Unknown Author-

——————————————————————————–

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’
– Fixed Wing Pilot-

——————————————————————————–

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engined plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

——————————————————————————–

‘Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’
-Unknown Author-

——————————————————————————–

‘If you hear me yell;”Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’
If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

——————————————————————————–

‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.’
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

——————————————————————————–

‘Never trade luck for skill.’
-Author Unknown-

——————————————————————————–

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:’Did you feel that?’ ‘What’s that noise?’ and’Oh Shit!’
-Authors Unknown-

——————————————————————————–

‘Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

——————————————————————————–

‘Flying the aircraft is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’
– Emergency Checklist-

——————————————————————————–

‘The Piper Cub is the safest plane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’
– Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) –

——————————————————————————–

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

——————————————————————————–

‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’
– Lead-in Fighter Training Manual –

——————————————————————————–

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,’What happened?’
The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

Humour

Recently I was queuing in the express lane at my local supermarket quietly fuming – A woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Completely ignoring the six-items or less sign.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’
————————————————————-
Recently my elderly neighbour and his wife went to a busy restaurant for a meal, but because they had no reservations they were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
‘Young man, we’re both 90 years old, ‘ the husband said ..’We may not have 45 minutes.’

They were seated immediately.

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would ‘hate’ to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
————————————————————-
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
————————————————————-
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’

Artie said: ‘ I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’

Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’

Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
————————————————————–
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, ‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’
The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’
Smith asks, ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’
The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’
Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’
The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’
————————————————————–
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. ‘Give me one last request, dear,’
he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’

————————————–
A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’
The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison’
————————————————————
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card

————————————————————

A chap goes to a nudist colony and decides to use his hat to protect his “modesty” a bit.

He was walking around when he saw a lady coming the other way

“If you were any kind of gentleman you would raise your hat” she said.

“If you weren’t so ugly it would raise itself” he replied.

————————————————————

The other night some married friends went for a girls night out

One of them promised her husband would be home by midnight, Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit drunk, She headed for home. and Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times..

She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in,
So she told him’MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’

When she asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its, throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

————————————————————

A couple were going out for the evening.

They had got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: ‘He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

‘Sorry I took so long’ he says. ‘Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!’

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Going Postal

I am a big fan of Terry Pratchett, So I bought this Sky 1 adaptation on DVD, I thought it was hilarious. It features a con artist named Moist von Lipwig (Richard Coyle) who is caught red handed committing a crime & is sentenced to be hanged. He then gets a repreive from Lord Vetinari the Patrician of Ank Morpork, provided he can get the post office working again.

This proves to be harder than he thinks, even with his considerable charisma and gift-of-the-gab, because not everybody is happy about the Post office reopening, particularly the villainous Reacher Gilt (David Suchet), who own a rival communications company, and will stop at nothing to see the post office shut down again and get Moist von Lipwig clobbered. Luckily Lipwig has help in the form of Senior Postman Groat (Andrew Sachs), Adora Belle Dearheart (Clare Foy) and a golem named Mr Pump.