Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just p*ss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Unintentional Double Entendres

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator – ‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator – ‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .  I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – ‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..’

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!!  What have I just said??’

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?’  Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: ‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: ‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ‘

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: ‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: ‘They seem cold out there.  They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.’

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’
 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
 3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real  ladder.
 5) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast  during the Renaissance.
 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
 8) My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
 9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
 11) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.
 15) I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
 16) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before
 
 
 PETER KAY’S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
 5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
 11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
 14) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
 16) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 

 
 SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY
 1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
 3) Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?
 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
 8) Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out’?
 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their
 crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
 14) What do you call male ballerinas?
 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a ‘Broker’?
 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Pub quiz

PUB QUIZ

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. One of the  questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer
 
My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine’s Night.  Problem was, she’s rubbish at snooker
  
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” 
He said “Her brother’s got a moustache!”

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms to me?” asked the doctor. “Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy so and so and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.”

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Learn from your elders

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next   to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dull that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5. 
Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?’

The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the senior’s turn.  He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. 
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the senior up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

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Voted Best Joke in Ireland

Malcolm O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

Malcolm said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Malcolm’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘ Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’

She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

Jokes

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto  . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store and…

What WERE you Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!

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USED CARS

It was a small town and the policeman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car yard, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it away.”
We can’t drive.”
Then why did you buy it?”
“We were told that if we bought a Used car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the
feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

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The day I died, as told to St. Peter

It got crowded in heaven so it was decided , for one day and one day only, to only accept people who’d had a really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony – we live on the 25th floor – and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a fatal heart attack.”

 St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man.

“I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled and let him into heaven. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this -I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator

Women know their place

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in  Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to  Kabul  and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, ‘Land Mines.’
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN

Names

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief of the tribe, “Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like  Bill, Tex or Sam?”

His father replied, “My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation. 

For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. 

Then there’s your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. 

It’s  really very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?”