My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said,’Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD’s.


We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’


My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimum lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


A perrson was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which they replied, ‘If
it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s unsafe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow , Middlesex , UK


When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up ou car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

Blondes are best

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail ,
Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you
Throwing those nails away?’
Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’ Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t
Defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency
Room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?’
‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, andThen I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’ ‘Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: ‘This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
Decided to have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the
Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
Harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first
Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.’

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.’
‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she
Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things
Cold,’ she replied..
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
The blond replied……’Two popsicles and some coffee.’
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’
The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
My mother had passed away.’
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the
Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.’
‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here.’
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically…
‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.
‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!’

The Auditor

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CEO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Happy Gilmour

This rather amusing film stars Adam Sandler as a former Ice Hockey player named Happy Gilmour, and was another film I watched whilst in Hospital.

Gilmour tries his hand at playing golf and at first he thinks it’s a load of rubbish, but then he learns that his Grandmother’s House is about to be repossessed and that he can earn enough money playing Golf Professionally to save his Grandmothers house.

However, his unconventionl approach and erratic behaviour soon has many golfers up in arms, and shocks many members of the Golfing Establishment, who then resort to underhand tactics to try and stop him winning a major tournament

Chaplin/ Chorus Line

I Watched two classic fims directed by Sir Richard Attenborough whilst I was in hospital

This is the epic story of a true cinematic icon, Robert Downey Jr, stars asCharlie Chaplin. In this award-winning masterpiece following Chaplin’s increasingly complicated life from a poverty stricken music hall entertainer in England to eventual triumph in America. But although Chaplin was able to reflect wondrous, magical humour in his work, his private life was afflicted with infamy, sadness and a growing sense of loss
Starring a stunning array of Hollywood talent. The cast includes unforgettable performances from Robert Downey Jr, Anthony Hopkins, Kevin Kline, Dan Aykroyd, Penelope Ann Miller, Marisa Tomei and Geraldine Chaplin as her own grandmother. The film also includes a soul-stirring film score from composer John Barry.

A Chorus Line

Based on the hugely successful and award-winning Broadway musical of the same name, this film also directed by Sir Richard Attenborough, Stars Michael Douglas as the harsh and critical director of a new musical, who is auditioning a stream of hopefuls Under the stark white lights of an empty Broadway theatre
There is tension in the air as 16 are singled out for further auditioning. Then an unexpected latecomer named Cassie arrives- a beautiful and talented former star, who has returned to ask him for a job, tensions are not helped when it is revealed that they
used to be lovers. Passions run high, but he allows her to audition. Over the course of the day the dancers, all desperate for the job, reveal more and more about themselves to the ever watchful director, as he searches for his chosen chorus line.

Boldly going

Star Trek
Starring Chris Pine as Captain Kirk & Zachary Quinto as Mr Spock. I watched This exciting film a number of times whilst in hospital, I could watch it again and again and still be entertained.

It follows the exploits of a young James T Kirk on his journey from intelligent but troublesome rebel to his first mission aboard the Starship Enterprise, where he finds himself having to grow up rather quickly or face anhialation by a rather disgruntled Romulan named Nero(Eric Bana) who blames Mr Spock for the destruction of his home planet and wants revenge.

The film also stars Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban, Winona Ryder, Simon Pegg aswell as a cameo by Leonard Nimmoy as the older spock.I really enjoyed it

I’ve also noticed that The Wrath of Khan starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimmoy, Nichelle Nichols, DeForest Kelly and all the other original crew is also on Freeview, so I may just have a Star Trek Day and watch them both again.


Prizzi’s Honour
This entertaining black comedy stars Jack Nicholson as a Mafia hitman named Charley Patanna who falls in love with a fellow assassin named Irene Walker (Kathleen Turner) and after a whirlwind romance the two get married

Meanwhile Charley’s former girlfriend Mae-Rose(Anjelica Huston). the Daughter of a powerful mob boss, still has feelings for him, so she starts causing trouble, and Charley finds himself having to decide whether his loyalties lie with his wife or the Mafia