Jokes

Sperm Doner

An  80-year-old man was requested by  his  Doctor  for a sperm count as part of his  physical exam.

The  doctor gave the man a jar and said,  ‘Take this  jar home and bring back a semen  sample tomorrow.’  

The next day the 80-year-old man  reappeared at  the doctor’s office and gave him the  jar,which  was as clean and empty as on the   previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened  and the man explained,  ‘Well, doc, it’s like this — first I  tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I  tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  

‘Then I asked my wife for help.   She tried with her  right hand, then with her left, still nothing.   She  tried with her mouth, first with the teeth  in,then  with her teeth out, still nothing.  

‘We even called up Arleen, the lady  next door and  she tried too, first with both hands, then  an armpit,  and she even tried squeezin’ it  between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked!
‘You asked your neighbour?’   
 
The  old man replied,
‘Yep,  none of us could get the damn jar open.’
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Three Women in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE  SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.  SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN  PRESSED HER FOREARM  AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER  QUESTIONINGLY.  ‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP  UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
 
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG  WOMAN LIFTED HER  PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,  ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE  PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT  DONE, SHE DECIDED  SHE  HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED  OUT OF THE SAUNA  AND  WENT TO THE BATHROOM.  SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM  HER REAR END.  THE  OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE  OLDER WOMAN FINALLY  SAID ………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT… I’M  GETTING A FAX!!
                      
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Smart Alec senior

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As of yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “Must be doing well… only two left.”

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