Church Bulletins

They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Innocence is Priceless

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Andrew standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Andrew,’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on
The plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this? ‘
The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Andrew’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
“Which service…the 8:30 or the 11:00?”

I am Beowulf & I am here to Kill Your Monster

Having re-read the Legend of Sigurd & Gudrun recently, I thought I would watch The DVD of that other great Norse poem “Beowulf” again.

It stars Ray Winstone as a Geat Warrior called Beowulf, who through the magic of Motion Capture is transformed into an incredibly buff warrior. His ship lands at a troubled kingdom, Which is Ruled by King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) and is being terrorised by a monster known as Grendal, So Beowulf agrees to rid the kingdom of Grendal.

However he reckons without Grendal’s Mother (Angelina Jolie) a powerful water demon who is not happy about this and proves to be more than a match for Beowulf. She uses her feminine wiles to seduce him with untold riches, a long life and a Kingdom of his own, provided he do something for her in return. Unable to resist, this turns out to be his undoing and ends up costing him dearly.

Marina Lewycka Novels

Having been ill for some time  I thought that I’d read something funny to cheer me up. So I read these three entertaining novels whist in hospital

“We Are All Made of Glue” by Marina Lewycka

This is the story of a very unlikely friendship between a woman named Georgie, whose husband has walked out; and whose sixteen-year-old son is busy surfing born-again websites, and Mrs Shapiro, an eccentric old Jewish emigre neighbour with an eye for a bargain and a fondness for matchmaking, Although they mistrust each other at first, a firm friendship is formed over the reduced-price shelf at the supermarket.

Then when Mrs Shapiro is admitted to hospital Georgie is surprisingly named as her next of kin. But sorting out Mrs Shapiro’s semi-derelict mansion in Highbury, is no easy job, what with seven cats, all with agendas of their own, a handyman who turns out to be not what he seems and two assistants who seem to be doing more breaking than fixing. Matters are complicated further when two slimy estate agents (one with a charming penchant for bondage) start competing to trick Mrs Shapiro into selling her rickety old house, and a social worker tries to commit her to a nursing home…

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Strawberry Fields by Marina Lewycka

This is a tender and hilarious novel about a crew of migrant workers from three continents who are forced to flee their English strawberry field for a journey across England in pursuit of their various dreams of a better future. They hail variously from Eastern Europe, China, and Africa and have come here to harvest Strawberries for delivery to British supermarkets, and end up living in two small trailer homes, a men’s trailer and a woman’s trailer. They are all seeking a better life (and in their different ways they are also, of course, looking for love) and they’ve come to England, some legally, some illegally, to find it.

Supervising (some would say exploiting) them is Farmer Leaping, a red-faced Englishman who treats everyone equally except for the Polish woman named Yola, the boss of the crew, who favours him with her charms in exchange “for something a little extra on the side” Unfortunately Farmer Leaping’s wife finds out about this little “arrangement” and does what any woman would do in this situation: She runs him down in her red sports car.

By the time the police arrive the migrant workers have piled into one of the trailer homes and hightailed it, thus setting off one of the most enchanting, merry, and moving journeys across England. Along the way, the workers’ ideals are shattered by the ignominious, brutal, and sometimes dangerous realities of life, some give up and go back home, and some even find love

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A Short history of tractors in Ukrainian by Marina Lewycka

This is another hilarious novel, this time it is about two Ukrainian sisters, Nadezhda and Vera, who are raised in England by their refugee parents, and have as little to do with each other as possible, until a bosomy young synthetic blonde from the Ukraine named Valentina, enters their ageing father’s life, intent on seeing that he leaves this world with as little money as possible, unless Nadazhda and Vera can stop her.

Unfortunately separating their addled and annoyingly lecherous dad from his new love is no easy task because Valentina is a ruthless pro, who causes chaos & soon turns the family house upside down. Meanwhile their Father, oblivious to everything that is going on, carries on with the great work of his dotage, a grand history of the tractor.

More novels I read whilst in Hospital

The White Queen – By Philippa Gregory

Having got a bit of a taste for historical fiction, thanks to Reading books like The Pillars of the Earth, World Without End, Dissolution. Revelation & Dark Fire, I decided to get Phillipa Gregory’s novel The White Queen. Set in the fifteenth century this book tells the story of Lady Elizabeth Grey, whose husband was killed at the Battle of St. Albans and who desperately wants his lands back for her two little boys. So she stands out in the road as the new king, Edward IV, rides by, holding their hands and hoping he’ll see her.

He does see her and takes note not only of her problems, but of her beauty, and before she knows it, Elizabeth becomes his wife and is crowned queen of England and gets in almost over her head with politics and intrigue, including the mystery surrounding the deaths of her two two sons, the Princes John & Edward, who were locked up in the Tower of London and who died under strange circumstances…

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The Legend of Sigurd and Gudrun

The Legend of Sigurd & Gudrun retells the ancient Norse legend of the Ring Cycle in two closely connected poems, and is the latest of JRR Tolkien’s many posthumous works to be published. Having read, and thoroughly enjoyed The Silmarillian, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings and Children of Hurin, I bought it on impulse (I just couldn’t help myself)

The first part “The Lay of the Voslings” tells the story of Sigurd (Siegfried), who slayed the great Dragon Fafnir, who was guarding stolen treasure, which was supposed to be paid for the building of Valhalla, but which had been “liberated” by a rather angry dwarf.

The poem also tells of how he awoke the Valkyrie Brunhilde, who had been put to sleep, surrounded by a wall of fire, as punishment for disobeying Odin, and how Siegfried entered into a blood Brotherhood with powerful princes called The Niebelungs, and his dealings with an evil enchantress, who was skilled in the arts of magic, shape-shifting & potions.

The second poem “The Lay of Gudrun” tells the story of Gudrun” the Niebelung, after the death of Siegfried, of her marriage against her will to the Mighty Atilla the Hun, his subsequent murder of all her brothers, the Niebelung, and her hideous revenge

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Instrument of Darkness by Imogen Roberts

Imogen Robertson’s impressive debut novel “Instruments of Darkness” is available for half-price with the Times Newspaper – it looks like a cracking read too. It sounds like a similar historical murder mystery to Revelation by C.J Samsome, which i really enjoyed, so I would like to get this

It is a crime thriller set mainly at Thornleigh Hall, the seat of the Earl of Sussex,during 1780. whose heir suddenly goes missing, and the once vigorous family is then reduced to a dying man, his whore and his alcoholic second son.
Then when the grim discovery of the body of an unknown man bearing the Thornleigh Arms, is made on the borders of two country estates, the event brings two main characters into focus. Gabriel Crowther, a reclusive anatomist and unwilling investigator, and Harriet Westerman, the wife of the owner of Claveley Park, the estate next door, who both set out to discover just why the man was found with his throat cut.

Then on that same day, a chap named Alexander Adams is also found dead in a London music shop, leaving his young children orphaned. Could there be a chance that the two deaths are linked, and why?

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Red Lotus by Pai Kit Fai

This Captivating tale features a beautiful & quick witted woman named Li-~Xia, who refuses to become a concubine, wanting more out of life than to become a painted slave. So she goes to the silk-weaving factory of Ten Willows, to better herself.

Whilst there she finds a loving family. However her happiness is short lived and she is forced to flee, but is rescued by a mysterious stranger called Ben Devereaux, and together they take the first step on a dangerous new journey…

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If the Dead Rise Not by Phillip Kerr

I’ve recently re-read Philip Kerr’s edgy atmospheric and gripping detective novel . It takes place in Berlin, during the city’s preparations for the 1936 Olympics, when the Nazis have been in power for just eighteen months but have already introduced some frightening changes to Germany. Jews are being expelled from all German organisations. One such person is a chap named Bernie who is forced to resign as a homicide detective with Berlin’s Criminal Police and is now working as a house detective at the famous Adlon Hotel.

When Two dead bodies are found at the hotel – one a businessman and the other a Jewish boxer. Bernie has to dig to unearth the truth, and discovers a vast labour and construction racket designed to take advantage of the huge sums the Nazis are spending to showcase the new Germany to the world, and he uncovers a sinister plot. This novel has a similar theme to Fatherland by Robert Harris

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The Last Child by John Hart

Whilst in hospital I also re-read this Gripping, Suspenseful crime novel Featuring a thirteen year-old lad named Johnny Merrimon who had the perfect life: happy parents and a twin sister that meant the world to him. Until she goes missing, stolen off the side of a lonely street with only one witness to the crime.

His family are shattered by the event and his sister is presumed dead. So Johnny risks everything to find out the truth, which leads him to the dark side of his hometown in a last, desperate search for her. And he finds a city with an underbelly far blacker than anyone could’ve imagined

So he seeks the help of a Detective named Clyde Hunt, who has devoted an entire year to Alyssa’s case, and it shows: he is haunted and sleepless, he’s lost his wife and put his shield at risk. But he can’t put the case behind him – he won’t – and when another girl goes missing, the failures of the past year harden into iron determination. Refusing to lose another child, Hunt knows he has to break the rules to find out the truth & solve the case; and maybe, the missing girl will also lead him to Alyssa…