Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics ?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President .

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government .

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future .

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ‘

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies,
‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep $#!?.

Gritty Humour

An Irish driver is travelling behind a lorry, when he suddenly notices something falling off the back of lorry, so he gets the lorry drivers attention and says to the lorry driver

“Excuse me, but you are losing your load”
“Go away” the lorry driver replies

Five miles further down the road the Irish driver catches up with the lorry driver again and repeats himself

“Excuse me  but you are losing your load”

To which the lorry driver replies

“Do you mind, I am trying to grit the roads”

The Professor

A fifty-four year old professor leaves his wife and sends her a text message saying

“By the time you get this message I will have left you and I will be in a hotel making love to my gorgeous eighteen year old girlfriend”

His wife, who is also fifty-four sends this  reply shortly afterwards

“By the time you get this reply I will also be making love to my eighteen year old toy-boy, and being a Professor you should be able to work out that eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than the other way round limp ****.”

Viagra & the prisoner

A husband comes home with a tube of intimate lubricating jelly. “This will make you happy tonight,” he tells his wife.
He was right. Later, when he nips to the loo, she squirts it all over the doorknob so he can’t get back in.
——————————————————————-
A lady asks the pharmacist: “Do you have Viagra?”
“Yes, madam,” he answers.
“Does it work?” she asks.
“It certainly does,” he tells her.
“Can you get it over the counter?” she inquires. “Yes,” he replies, “If I take two.”
——————————————————————-
A newlywed couple are about to make love for the first time. The young bride doesn’t know what to do, so the groom tries to explain in a way she’ll understand.
“Let’s make it a game, where we call your bit “the cell”
and my bit “the prisoner”,” he begins.

“When the prisoner is put in the cell, he gets angry and moves around,”
Sure enough, the prisoner is put in the cell and the wife loves it. In fact, the prisoner is such a success, she wants him in the cell a second, third and foyrth time.  But when she asks the fifth time, the man cries:
“Flaming heck, he hasn’t got a life sentence!”

Genuine Newspaper articles

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’ (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, ‘This sort of thing is all too common’. (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled –
‘He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.” ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Little Johnny strikes again

One Afternoon The Teacher at school decided to do an activity called “Add-to-the-picture” where pupils were called up one by one to draw something on the blackboard until you ended up with another picture.

First up was Clyde


“Very Good” said the teacher”

Next up to the blackboard was John


“Very Good” said the teacher after he’d finished

Next up was Sally, who added something else to the picture


“Very Good” said the teacher”

Then it was Pete’s turn to add something else to the picture


“Very Good” said the teacher”

Next up was Alison who added something else to the picture on the blackboard


“Very Good” said the teacher”

Just then Little Johnny began waving his arm about frantically, Now the teacher knew that Little Johnny was a right trouble maker and with his track record, she was understandably reluctant to let him anywhere near the Blackboard to draw anything, but she looked at the picture and thought

“What harm can he do to such an innocent picture?”

Think before you speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak – the last one  is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take  the words back…Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked  loudly, ‘How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?’ I turned  around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn’t say a  word… he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was  unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.
After browsing for several  minutes,I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at  thestore. He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him  and said,‘I think I like playing with men’s balls’

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall andpassed by a store that sold a variety  of candy and nuts.As we were looking at the display case,the boy behind  the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied,

‘No, I’m just looking  at your nuts.’

My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned,  and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let  me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release  some pent-up energy and ran amok.I was finally able to grab hold of her  after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told  her that if she did not start behaving ‘right now’ she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I  saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’
The silence was deafening  after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were  doing.I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with  my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,  were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old  son had a lot of problems with potty training and Iwas on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errandsIt  was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoying my taco, I smelled  something funny,so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was  clean. Then realized that Dannyhad not asked to go potty in a while.I asked  him if he needed to go, and he said
 ‘No’ .
I kept thinking ‘Oh Lord, that  child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.’ Then I  said,
‘Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?’
‘No,’ he replied.
I  just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting  worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ‘Danny did you have an accident?  This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
‘SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!’

While 30 people nearly choked to  death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feels better, thanking me for the best laugh they’d  ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very  embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before  she speaks.What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any!
We had a female news  anchor that, the day after it was supposed tohave snowed and didn’t,  turned to the weatherman and asked:

‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you  promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the  crew did too they were laughing so hard!