A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly-tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looke his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and she says, ‘I don’tcare what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
The woman returns the next day for the wake.To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’ m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
‘So I just switched the heads.’


An Italian Altar Boys Confession

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘Four months vacation and five good leads’

The gardener & the Maid

One chilly day, a man is working in his garden with no trousers on.
“Why aren’t you wearing any pants?” a passer-by asks.
“It was my wife’s suggestion,” the man replies.
“Last week, I was out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.

The Maid
A maid for a wealth family asks the wife of the house for a pay rise. The wife is very upset about this and asks why.
“Three reasons,” says the maid. “The first is that I iron better than than you do.”
“Who says you iron better than me?” the wife snaps, offended.
“Your husband does,” the maid replies.
“The second reason is that I’m a much better cook than you are.”
“Nonsensense!” the wife scoffs. “Who says you’re a better cook than me?”
“Your husband does,” the maid replies.
“And the third reason?” the wife asks.
“I’m a better lover than you,” the maid says.
The wife is now furious. “Did my husband tell you that as well?” she storms.
“Oh no, madam,” the maid whispers. “The gardener did.”

An Australian Tale

One day a koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint, when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’
The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river. Unfortunately the little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’ The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got so stoned that he accidentally fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
‘Hey you!’
So the koala looked down at him and said,
‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude…
How much water did you drink?’