Scouser in a Job Centre

A Scouser walks into a local Job Centre, marches straight up to the counter and says

“Hi I’m looking for a job”

The Man behind the counter replies

“Your timing is amazing, we’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chaufeur/bodyguard fr his stunning 18 year old nympho daughter. You’ll have to drive around in aa big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long Hours, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays, the Salary Package is £200,000 a year”.

the Scouser said
“Your Joking”
To which the man behind the counter replies
“Well, you started it”

=================================

I think they’ve been ginetically modyfying the sheepdogs round here too

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More Jokes

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and asks: 

“Can I have a tattoo of Father Christmas and Happy Christmas, written on  my left thigh, and a Bottle of Champagne and Happy New Year tattooed on my  right thigh?”

“Sure, but those are very unusual tattoos” Says the tattooist “May I ask  why?”

“Because my husband keeps moaning that there is nothing good to eat  between Christmas & The New Year”
——————————————————————–
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad  attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by  consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The  parrot yelled  back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.  John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in  the freezer.  For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.  Not a peep was heard for  over a minute.
 
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the  freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and  said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.   I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable  behaviour.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. 

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in  his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey  did?”
——————————————————————–
Golf
A Man staggers into a casualty department with concussion, multiple  bruises, two black eyes & a 5 Iron wrapped round his neck.
The Doctor asks “What happened to you?”
Chap replies “Well, I was playing golf with the wife when we both sliced  our golf balls into a field of cows, eventually I found one golf ball  lodged up a cows backside so I said to the wife – This one looks like  yours, I don’t remember much after that
========================================
A Chocolate Story
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree in a room on Quality Street, it was After  Eight, He turned out the lights for a bit of Black Magic, then he slipped  his hand in her Snickers & showed her his Curly Wurly.
Not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him have her up the Chocolate  Truffle and she screamed with Turkish Delight as he took out his Fun Sized  Mars Bar.
It felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted some Timeout, but he did a Twirl and  eventually came in a very Milky Way
——————————————————————–
ATHIEST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees!”
“What  powerful rivers!
“What beautiful animals!”
He said to himself.

As he was  walking along side the river, he heard a rustling in thebushes behind him.  He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charging towards him. He  ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw  that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again,and  the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled  over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,  reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike  him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

Time Stopped.
The  bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a  voice came out of the sky
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach  others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you  expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a  believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light and said,

“It would  be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,  but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very Well,” said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest  resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together,  bowed his head & spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive  from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
——————————————————————–
Scottish soldier
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very  carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton  bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he  also unfolds – to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,” says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief  and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches  out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,  followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the  proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”
——————————————————————–
Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming  around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to  find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he  had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher  told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was told to telephone his  mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his  class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his  ‘private part’ hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mum!’ she  said.
‘I did,’ he said,
‘And she told me that if I could stick it out until  lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up.
 ——————————————————————–
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING AFOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR  WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

“FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I  HAVE Electrician WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO.
“FINE,”
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,”WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE  RIGHT ”
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
“FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO”
“FINE,” SHE SAYS
“THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?THEY  ARE ABOUT TO BREAK ”
“I’M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX STEPS”
HE SAYS, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE  I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO”
“I’VE HAD ENOUGH  OF YOU. I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! ”
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO  HOME  AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.  AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

“HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”

SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I  SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED  WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.”
 
HE SAID, “SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?”
SHE REPLIED, “HELLOOOOO..DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T  THINK SO”

——————————————————————–
Actual exchanges between pilots & Ground Crew

Tower: ‘Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!’
Delta 351:  ‘Give us another hint! We have digital watches!’
*********************************************************************
Tower: ‘TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right
45 Degrees.’
TWA 2341:  ‘Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise
Can we make up here?’
Tower:  ‘Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?’
*********************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: ‘I’m bloody  bored!’
Ground Traffic Control: ‘Last aircraft Transmitting,
identify  yourself immediately!’
Unknown aircraft: ‘I said I was bloody bored, not  bloody stupid!’
*********************************************************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: ‘United 329 heavy, your traffic
is a  Fokker,one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.’
United 329: ‘Approach, I’ve  always wanted to say this…
I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.’
*********************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting  to locate
The aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
‘What was your  last known position? Student:’When I was number one for takeoff.’
*********************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out  after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: ‘American 751, make a hard right  turnAt the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take  the Guadeloupe exit offHighway 101, make a right at the lights
and return  to the airport.’
*********************************************************************
A Pan  Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the  following:
Lufthansa (in German): ‘ Ground, what is our start clearance time ?’
Ground  (in E nglish): ‘If you want an answer you must speak In English.’
Lufthansa  (in English): ‘I am a German, flying a German airplane,
in Germany . Why  must I speak English?’
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful  British accent)
‘Because you lost the bloody war!’
*********************************************************************
Tower: ‘Eastern 702, cleared for takeoffcontact Departure on frequency  124.7′
Eastern 702: ‘Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way,  after we lifted off we saw some kind  Of dead animal on the far end of the runway.’
Tower: ‘Continental 635,  cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency  124.7.
Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?’
BR Continental 635:  ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern…
We’ve already notified our caterers.’
*********************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of  the active runway while
A DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned  around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in  the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
‘What a cute little plane.
Did you  make it all by yourself?’
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult  go by, came back with a real zinger:
‘I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another  landing like
Yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.’
*********************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short- tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location,  but how to get there without any Assistance from them. So it was with some  amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)Listened to the following exchange between  Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird  206.
Speedbird 206: ‘ Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.’
Ground: ‘Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.’
The BA 747 pulled  onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: ‘Speedbird , do you not know where you are going?’
Speedbird 206:  ‘Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate
Location now.’
Ground (with quite  arrogant impatience): ‘Speedbird 206,
Have you not been to Frankfurt  before?’
Speedbird 206 (coolly): ‘Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,
— And  I didn’t land.’
********************************************************************
While taxiing at London ’s, Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight  departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a  United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air  crew, screaming:
‘US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to  turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right  there.
I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference
Between C and  D,  but get it right!’
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting  hysterically:
‘God! Now you’ve screwed everything up!
It’ll take forever to  sort this out! You stay right there
And don’t move till I tell you to! You  can expect
 progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,
And I want  you to go exactly where I tell you,
When I tell you, and how I tell you!
You  got that, US Air 2771?’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly  silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance  engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension  in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.Just then  an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
‘Wasn’t I married to you once?’
——————————————————————–
Church bulletins
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters —
misspellings,bad sentence  construction or choice of words all make for fun reading.
These sentences  actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church  services

  • Come to One of St Annes famous Fasting & Prayer Conferences. £18  includes all meals.
  • .The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on Water.’The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the Church rummage sale this Sunday. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the  house. Bring your husbands.
  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a  conflict.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving  obvious pleasure to the congregation
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery  downstairs.
  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will  sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the  church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is  Hell?’Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased  person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment  and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They  may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across  from the Church. Bring a warm blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would  lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use  the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
    Church basement Friday at 7 PM.The congregation is invited to attend this  tragedy.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
    slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours!
    ——————————————————————–

Oxygen Mask
A man is lying ill in hospital wearing an oxygen mask, when he asks a  passing Nurse
“Are my testicles black?”
Carefully she removes the bedcovers and moves his penis first to one side  then the other and begins to examine one testicle before carefully  examining the other one.
“No” she says finally
Then The man removes his oxygen mask and says
“Okay, That was very nice, but I asked “are my Test results back?”
——————————————————————–
Breakfast
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee,  croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum,  sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who,  nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: ‘You English folk eat the whole bread??’
Englishman (in a bad mood): ‘Of course.’
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge  bubble) ‘We don’t. In France , we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we  collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and  sell them to England ‘The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: ‘Do you eat jam with the bread??’
Englishman: ‘Of Course.’

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
‘We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the  peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them  into jam, and sell the jam to England ‘
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: ‘Do you have sex in  France ?’
Frenchman: ‘Why of course we do’, he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: ‘And what do ! you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
Frenchman: ‘We throw them away, of course.’
Englishman: ‘We don’t. In England , we put them in a container, recycle  them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ‘
——————————————————————–
A heartwarming story
This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a  group of building workers. It’s allegedly true and might help to confirm  your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human  race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One  day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all  the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She  hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or  less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted  with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and  gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They  even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her  immensely.
>
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented  her with a pay envelope – containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little  girl took her ‘pay’ home to her mother who suggested that they take the  money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the  female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her  about her ‘work’ on the building site and the fact she had a ‘pay packet’.
‘You must have worked very hard to earn all this’, said the cashier.The  little girl proudly replied,
‘Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We’re building a  big house.’
‘My goodness gracious,’ said the cashier, ‘And will you be working on the  house again next week?’
The child thought for a moment. Then she said  seriously:
‘I think so. Provided those W*******s at Jewsons deliver the f****ing  bricks.’

Gay Flight Attendant/Innocence is priceless

A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that ‘Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.’

She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one…’

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray -up, Bitch’

——————————————————————–

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Andrew standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Andrew,’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on

The plaque. ‘Pastor, what is this? ‘

The pastor said, ‘Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Andrew’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,

“Which service…the 8:30 or the 11:00?”

Heard on the London Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

  • ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’
  • ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’
  •  ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’
  •  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’
  •  ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.
  •  ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’
  •  During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’
  • ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause ) ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’
  • ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’
  • ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’
  • ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’
  • ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ’stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’
  • ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause..) ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…) ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’
  • ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’

Walking the dog

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. Along the way. The flight attendant explained that There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board In 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was Blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her Throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by Name, said,

‘Kathy, we are in Sydney foralmost An hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’

The blind lady replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would Like to stretch his legs.’

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill When they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
With a Guide dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Sweeties

One day a teacher asked her pupils to identify the flavours of sweets by their colour. One by one they came up with:-

  • Red…………………Cherry
  • Yellow…………….Lemon
  • Green………………Lime
  • Orange …………….Orange

Finally the teacher gave them each a beige HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.  The teacher said,

“I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

“Oh my God!”, “They’re ass-holes!”

The teacher had to leave the room!

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK…

A person was shopping at the local supermarket where they selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a 2 lb. Can of coffee, and a 1 lb and a Package of bacon.

As they were unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind watched as they placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘

You must be single.’

Startled by this proclamation, but intrigued by the derelict’s intuition,(since this person had never found Mr. Right). They looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to their  marital status.

Eventually Curiosity got the better of them and they said ,

‘Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly’.